You Don’t Need to Jackhammer: An Interview with the Girthmasterr

Chatting with the thunda down unda.

Caroline Tompkins

Warning: A few of the links in this post are NSFW. Proceed at your own risk.

I won’t mince words: Girthmasterr has a massive dick. It’s not some 12-inch monstrosity that you might have read about in a bad fanfic when you were a teenager, but it’s eight inches long, seven inches in circumference, and AUSTRALIAN.

This was not information I had before Monday. I had no idea who Girthmasterr was until I stumbled upon a TikTok video uploaded to Twitter of a woman asking a very tall Aussie what he did for a living. As it turns out, he makes up to $80k per month on Onlyfans, putting him in the top percentile of creators on the platform. 

@getahead.appHow much does he make working as an adult content creator in Brisbane, Australia?📍🎥 ##interview##streetinterview##paytransparency##salarytransparency##fyp##viral##brisbane

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But it was my friend’s quote retweet on her private account that really got my attention: “i have seen this man’s dick ON TWITTER and it is literally the biggest i have ever seen.”

As a reporter, I had to check this out for myself. And jesus fucking christ, she was right. I said as much on Twitter: “Well I just did some research and holy shit it is quite literally the size of a bottle of wine.”

I have no idea why, but as of this publication, that stupid tweet of mine has 86k likes, 830 replies, 35k bookmarks (for the freaks and cowards), and 23 million views. All this commotion left me receiving the attention of stunned women, angry incels, excited gay Brazilians, unimpressed size queens, and the Girthmasterr himself. I was honored to receive a follow from the thunda from down unda, and decided to reach out to him for an interview. He very graciously accepted.

Without further ado, here’s our wide-ranging chat about crossing lines on the internet, teaching people how to have sex, the dumbest thing he’s spent his new money on, smut ethics, the enduring survival of porn, and who can’t take his dick.